From grade school to the Olympics, “winning and losing” in sports is driven home to us. If we play, we feel it personally. At the least, we see it with our favorite players or teams.
More broadly, we think in terms of “winners” and “losers” in politics, the stock market, the Oscars, card games, school grades, popularity with peers and spelling bees.
Is there something wrong with “winning and losing?” No. In fact, it seems built into the human psyche. And, as we know from Superbowl parties, it’s often fun.
The problem is when a “winning and losing” attitude leaks over into our relationships.
Sam wants to “win” arguments. If he doesn’t “win,” his mind tells him that he’s “lost.” Depending how he was raised by his parents, what beliefs about himself he developed and/or what outlooks on life he internalized, he may equate “losing” with being a “loser.”
Unconsciously, Fran thinks she is a “loser.” When it comes to relationship dynamics, she keeps her mouth shut. Sam will emotionally bully her. He’ll out-think and out-talk her. In the end, she will feel badly, if not terrible, about herself.
Relationship tip: if one relationship partner wins an argument, the relationship loses. If the relationship loses again and again, the relationship will be lost.
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I agree. If I’m trying to win or to just avoid losing, our marriage loses. In all honesty, I think men have a harder time with this. Different socialization for different sexes.
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